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Next To Normal - originally posted 9/19/12

1/27/2016

Before March 3, 2012 I lead a pretty typical life, some might say, “normal.” It was great, fun and just a little crazy! In an instant my life changed forever. I will never feel “normal” again, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.

When my leg was amputated I not only changed physically, but also emotionally. Who could have imagined that at 24 years old what I consider to be my greatest achievement is simply walking? I’ve worked hard in my life at many jobs, classes and auditions, but learning to walk with a prosthetic leg has been the most powerful and humbling experience of my life.

I felt like I lost part of my soul the day I lost my leg. I saw my dreams of singing and dancing on Broadway being crushed; I felt powerless and angry. My first day home from the hospital I cried for an hour, with my family by my side. My home felt different because I felt different. I knew then there was no looking back, only forward (as Obama would say).

The prosthesis I wear symbolizes power to me. At first I was worried that when I looked down at my feet all I would feel was a sense of loss. I’m happy to have been wrong. My “new leg” is truly a reminder to overcome fear and embrace life. Today I’m walking again! No more wheelchair, crutches or even a cane. I am really walking with my own two feet! AND IT FEELS UNBELIEVABLE! I have to pinch myself every time I take a step because it feels too good to be true.

I used to think of my prosthesis as “the torture device” because it was extremely painful, but now it seems like magic. Of course it’s still a little uncomfortable and my residual limb feels sore after a long day wearing the prosthetic leg, but there’s no better feeling than looking down at my 2 feet and taking a step. It could simply be a step towards the fridge to pour myself a glass of water, or it could be taking a step onto the stage.

I’m in a show now and one member of the cast had no idea that I use a prosthesis. When I walk down the street or into a restaurant, no one knows the trauma I’ve endured; if I wear long pants they can’t see that I’m different. They can’t see that I’m part of the 20% of disabled Americans. I’m thankful to be able to hide my disability and appear “normal”; some people don’t have that luxury. Yet, sometimes when people can’t tell I’m an amputee I feel guilty for hiding that part of my life. I’m not ashamed of my leg, in fact, I’m pretty proud of it!

As I move forward with my life, my goals and my dreams I find myself on the cusp of normality, but not quite there. This experience has shown me that everything happens for a reason. Even though this injury certainly wasn’t in my life plan, sometimes the most creativity happens when you color outside the lines. My injury dared me to be vulnerable and taught me to be strong. Who needs normal when it’s our differences that make us who we are?

This is a rehearsal for "The Odd Couple," can you tell which leg is fake!?

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True To Who You Are - originally posted 8/23/12

1/27/2016

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In my last blog post I wrote about overcoming fear. Lately I've been realizing that fear is no longer an issue in my life! However, feeling uncomfortable has become a daily occurrence. I've experienced a traumatic event and endured so much discomfort, so now, to put myself in an uncomfortable situation on purpose seems ridiculous! Yet, I must, because my version of an uncomfortable situation is different from most...driving is uncomfortable, but I do it. Going to a bar with or without my prosthesis is uncomfortable, but I do it (gotta live a little!!) and even walking through the mall can be uncomfortable, but I do it.
People stare, gawk, point and kids ask questions.

My circumstances may not be perfect (don't think many South Jersey-ans see a girl with only 1 foot a lot...) but I can still be a trusting, optimistic person. I'm learning never to hide from life, but trust that whatever happens, I'll be OK.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everbody's bruising.
Just be true to who you are. - Jessie J.

I love her song, "Who You Are" and I used to dance to it all the time in class before my accident, but now the lyrics convey a much different message to me.

This is what happens when I start messing around at physical therapy...here's a little dance I choreographed to "Who You Are."

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Don't Dream it, DO it! - originally posted 7-31-12

1/26/2016

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American gymnast George Eyser won an impressive six medals (three gold, two silver, one bronze) during a single day of the 1904 Olympic Games. Even more impressive - he had only one leg. Fitted with a wooden prosthesis after being hit by a train, Eyser was still able to compete even in the vault event, which at the time involved jumping over a long horse without the use of a springboard.

So many people; friends, family and even strangers have been asking me, “How do you stay so positive?” They mention that I’m “inspiring.” I’m so flattered, but I don’t ever think of myself that way. What I’ve experienced in the past 5 months has been brutal and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I've had my rough days, weeks, even months. But I’ve always been an optimistic person. The word “can’t” has never been in my vocabulary, and now more than ever I refuse to let that cruel word walk into my life.

My skin has been healing slowly but surely and my prosthetic leg is feeling better and better. Even though I’m still healing from my last surgery, nearly 4 months ago, at this point the only thing holding me back is fear. But isn’t that true for everybody?

My experience was pretty extreme, but we all have obstacles to overcome. For me the obstacles are just a little more noticeable! I never want to let this injury or fear inhibit my lifestyle. It’s taken a while, but I’m pushing myself to drive again. I’m even trying things I’d never done before! Like discovering my love of kayaking:) I’ve also been studying anatomy (I’m going back to school to become a physical therapist assistant) writing a few more original songs, and now I’m writing a play. Who knows what the future holds, my only goal is to always be a constructive member of society.

On “How I Met Your Mother” Marshall asks Ted, “If you knew you’d lose your leg tomorrow, what would you do today?” Well, what would YOU do?

Now go do it! Because you never know what may happen. And hey, if you ever do lose your leg, it’s not that bad;)

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H-O-P-E - orignally posted 7-9-12

1/26/2016

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I don’t like negativity, but I try to stay realistic. I don’t want to be weak but at times it’s hard to be brave. Lately it feels like any glimmer of hope turns into a step in the wrong direction. Some days hope is just another 4 letter word.

And yet, one particular night hope was presented to me as not only a feeling, but a choice. I went to a beautiful wedding and had an amazing time, but for a moment I wasn’t sure if I could let myself enjoy the night. While congratulating the groom during cocktail hour, we talked about the couple’s first dance. He mentioned the name of the song and it sounded familiar but I couldn’t place it…until I heard that first verse.

Memories of the accident flooded my mind and tears fell from my eyes. I had danced to that song in my favorite contemporary dance class, two nights before I was hit by a car. It was the last time I would dance as an able-bodied person. I hadn’t even thought of that until the moment I watched the bride and groom dancing to the music.

I knew I had to choose – let my fear of never dancing again swallow me whole, or turn that page in my life and accept this new chapter. Armando held my hand as the tears of grief subsided and a smile crept across my face. I have to admit, I felt a bit like Carrie Bradshaw in that episode of Sex and the City when she read at a wedding and tried to pass off her sadness as tears of joy for the happy couple. But looking around that ballroom, filled with love and the promise of a new beginning, the song became less painful and more inspirational.

An instance of a strange/surprise reaction is bound to happen after any kind of traumatic accident. A smell, taste, or sound may trigger a memory that has been neatly tucked away. Just the other day my family piled into our car to go home when another car ran a stop sign and nearly collided with us. When I saw that car drive through the stop sign and narrowly miss us my adrenaline jumpstarted and I had a panic attack. I never would have reacted that way before my injury.

These triggers will keep popping up, but like I wrote before, I choose to embrace life and overcome fear – even fears I never knew I had. Hope may be just another 4 letter word, but I’m choosing it over any other.
Will you?

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One Step At A Time - originally posted 6/20/12

1/24/2016

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I'm about to begin my journey walking through life with a prosthetic leg.

On my way to the prosthetist's office today I was surprised by my lack of excitement, but sense of purpose and hope. This has been such a long and strenuous healing process. As my patience wears thin, at least my skin is growing stronger! I'm constantly amazed by the medical technology that saved my life. I'd like to write about what I experienced in the hospital (and preface that with a quick note - I probably only remember half of the events that occured, due to all of the pain medications that flowed through my IVs).

I remember feeling very relaxed my first night in the hospital. I knew I was finally safe. Safely on pain meds in a hospital filled with people who could help me. I had my parents with me and my close friends (shout out to Amanda, Sam, Danielle, Alban, Ben, Erin, Jon, Jen, and Sketkh!). But that night was the calm before the storm.
The rest of my stay in the hospital was filled with surgeries, pain, anxiety, and fear. Also love and support. But mostly fear. For over two weeks the doctors weren't sure if they could save my knee. Most of the skin below my knee wasn't salvageable and they didn't know if the muscle underneath would be viable. I never prayed so much in my life.

I had a 50/50 chance of keeping/losing my knee. Luckily the odds swung in my favor. Unluckily, I had to spend two more weeks without skin covering that muscle. Everytime the residents changed the dressing on my wound it felt like they were peeling off my skin while simultaneously burning my leg. Yet somehow my parents managed to help me find a sense of humor to cope with the situation.

We laughed when one of the residents thought I was a med student. We found a sense of community with my roommates, who consisted of prisoners and stabbing victims (I changed rooms 5x during my stay in the Newark hospital). I cracked up when my order of shrimp scampi arrived as prawns and rice. And my parents smiled when they walked into post-op and found me holding hands with my surgeon and resting.

I don't know how we survived between all of the surgeries and the side effects that come along with being bedridden. But we did survive! And now I'm taking it one painful step at a time.

Here's a picture of my beautiful new leg! When I start performing again, please do me a favor and don't wish me, "break a leg!"

Xoxo
Rachel

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LimBitless - originally posted 5/31/12

1/24/2016

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My life changed forever on March 3, 2012. Some may consider me disabled now, but I don't think the prosthetic limb I will wear is a sign of loss. It will be a symbol of empowerment and a reminder to embrace life and overcome fear.

That day turned my world upside down. For a approximately 1 second I knew I was going to be hit by a car. I'm still amazed that I remember the events of that day so clearly, yet my month in the hospital is all a blur.

Here's my story~

I was driving from New York City to an audition in South Jersey. I never made it to that audition. I was in a slight fender bender – my first ever car accident. I was shaken up but the other driver and me were fine and had little damage to our cars. We parked on the shoulder of the causeway and as we leaned against the guardrail chatting, waiting for the police to arrive, the unthinkable happened. I saw a car speed around the curve behind us. The driver quickly lost control and hit the guardrail across from us. In the matter a second these thoughts raced through my mind – “Will that car hit us? No way. Yes it will! Jump over the guardrail!” Without even the chance to scream, it was too late; we were both hit and I was flung over the guardrail and into some muddy grass.

I couldn’t move, my body was in shock. All I could do was scream at the top of my lungs, “Help, HELP! HELP!!!” I quickly realized my iphone was still in my hand, unscathed (unbelievable!). As I turned my head my second realization was not so promising – I couldn’t see my left boot. My shoe was gone, which led me to believe that so was the flesh inside it. Panic sunk it, but luckily good samaritans came to my aid. A father and his 10 year old daughter held my hand and called my dad. Not ten minutes earlier I had called him to say I was in an accident but everything was fine. This call was much more somber. As I choked back tears I told my parents, who were 2 hours away from me, that I had lost my leg. They immediately started driving towards me.

Once the paramedics got to the accident they kept my parents updated as to which hospital would take me. Those minutes spent waiting for the ambulance were the scariest moments of my life. I wondered if I had other injuries, if the blood by my head indicated a head injury, and why was I still conscious?! I cried for my loss; I cried for my pain; I blamed myself for the accident; and I cried for my dreams of singing and dancing on Broadway being dashed (I didn’t know then what I know now about the amazing world of prosthetics). I also cried for the kindness of strangers. When a person loses a limb due to illness they are in the hospital surrounded by their loved ones. But in my case, my mom wasn’t there to hold my hands and tell me everything would be O.K. I had a stranger’s hand to hold. Lucky for me, a wonderful woman pulled over and rushed to my side. She talked to me and helped me stay hopeful while we waited.

As I write today I’m still waiting for my wound to heal so I can start walking again. I have good days and bad days, but I’m happy to say that I now have a closer bond with my parents, brothers, extended family, and friends. With their support and the aid of my talented team of surgeons, doctors, nurses, and therapists, my dreams of hitting the Broadway stage have not – and will never – be extinguished.

I wrote a song about the accident for my family, I haven't made it public on Youtube yet, but here's the link - I guess if you've read this you must be caring enough not to judge me on the poor quality of this video! But I hope you like the song:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yOarRrtfKY

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Forward>>

Next To Normal - originally posted 9/19/12

True To Who You Are - originally posted 8/23/12

Don't Dream it, DO it! - originally posted 7-31-12

H-O-P-E - orignally posted 7-9-12

One Step At A Time - originally posted 6/20/12

LimBitless - originally posted 5/31/12

Rachel Handler

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